Editor’s Note: This 6th edition of YegWatch with Tee Adeyemo” is brought to you as part of a new partnership between AfricaX and LadiesCorner. This episode is on “what happens when you cry”.
This article was inspired by recent events. It expresses my thought on what happens when you cry.
This piece is not necessarily where I am as a person. I am a writer and I love playing with words and with words I travel through time and space to realms that are multidimensional. Please understand in these words, I find healing for my own traumas. If any of this makes sense, do share or come back for more!
We must begin somewhere: grown ups cry
Sometimes, we go through pain too difficult to deal with. It could be a spouse’s infidelity or a scathing remark that still burns or something deeper that I don’t have the right vocabulary for.
As adults, when left to our thoughts in pain, we cry. We cry when our children are not looking. We cry in the shower, cry when we cook, cry when we do the laundry. Yes, grown ups cry. Our cries could be linked to menopausal reasons for bigger girls or midlife crises for men. In our rooms, during prayers or meditations, we cry. For various reasons we may not be able to explain, the tears flow.
I have never seen my mum cry. My mum is a stoic woman with a very high pain threshold. Some of her life’s journey was hard, but I never saw her cry. My father never cried. I don’t recall. My dad was a man’s man. A warrior who battled life and won. Life would never have reduced him to tears.
This is why we cry.
We cry because we are weak. Also, we cry when we come to the understanding that we don’t have control over much. We realize that this thing called life does not happen on a straight line. No part of life is a promise. The truth is that life does not have to go on the way we have planned it out. Life never happens like that! Much of life is routine, ordinary and plain. So, when life brings happiness, enjoy the moment.
Are you a “Babymummy” like me?
My daughter has seen me cry. She calls me ‘babymummy‘. It is okay to cry – I teach her. If we had to choose between mental illness and tears, we should choose to cry. So as often as it is needed, I welcome the tears. In buckets :).
Do you cry?
Tears clean out the eyes.
Tears can be a form of release and healing.
Even Jesus cried. The Bible records that Jesus wept – deep tears. Yikes. That is in your Bible!
In my lifetime, I have met one or two people who manipulate people with their tears. This is not that. I am talking about crying as a release of mental anguish.
Where do you go to when you are under pressure?
Some people escape to porn.
As dirty as this is, the pleasures derived from porn is momentary. Porn leaves the mind exhausted and numb. It is an impure space for escapism. Porn is not safe. With increase in child porn, what you don’t want is the police knocking on your doors because at some point, the porn you are consuming is depraved men abusing trafficked children.
Some stop by the Liquor Store and drink by themselves in their dens. This feels so grown up! The down side is when you cross the line to becoming a secret alcoholic unknowingly. So, as you can see, this space is scary. Many homes have been broken by decisions taken under the influence of the bottle. There is nothing remotely sexy about drunkenness and domestic violence.
Alcohol is not the solution.
Alcohol may even make you feel good. It may even help you sleep better. You may even feel on top of the world. Maybe, it helps you not to feel anything.
You are just there sulking and drinking. The next level here is probably gambling and smoking. The juicy thing about smoking is that you can pretty much smoke anything these days. This is hardcore stuff.
So when life is not working, when she cant stop nagging you, when your kids don’t respect the parent in you, when your take home pay keeps you in debt, when you have let yourself down, where do you escape too? What happens when you cry?
What of strange men and women?
Some have embraced the arms of men/women. Strange men and strange women.
Sex addiction. Having meaningless sex with multiple partners and worsening the HIV pandemic in our communities. Some men and women, use dating apps to jump from one sexual partner to another.
It gets complicated. Some of these bed hoppers are married. But the marriage covenant means nothing to people who lure women because they are escaping from their dark demons. Sex addiction is not as glamorous as it sounds. It is not some sex heaven. There is no intimacy which you want or a real connection with a human being – just sex.
What it feels like?
There are times when the thoughts in my mind stays dark. Have you felt like you are in your own worst dream and there is no end to it? You feel chased but no one is. You feel run down and only you know why. In fact, you call a number for mental health but you are not there yet. This latest darkness leading to your tears is a melt down.
You have been here before. Yes, you know where you are. You seem to understand your triggers. Sometimes.
There is no help any where on the planet for melt downs. Even worse, the people you live with think upon the fact that you are all grown up and they wonder at what appears to be your mood swings. They have learnt to look away from your tears and pain. Even though you resent where you are, to heal, you must accept responsibility for your own life.
Yes, anger builds up.
You pick fights with every one, especially those people who might have offended you ages ago… all they said come rushing in. Your interactions with them show your nastiest side. In that moment, you really don’t care. You are tearing upon the inside. You are not happy with the adult you have become.
The truth is that you are a grown up. And you are broken in tears.
You try the Scriptures. It doesn’t change anything and you still feel dead on the inside.
You try Korean movies. It works for a while till you are bored out of your mind. You go walking, but the heat forces an early retreat.
Then it breaks
After a while, after much thought, your mind begins to settle.
You hear a still small voice saying I am with you. You are able to receive it.
Suddenly, you are aware of everything, of the bee buzzing on a flower. You are aware of the setting sun. And yes, you notice the rainbow in the skies plus the neighbor’s annoying dog who never stops barking. You hear children laughing and for the first time, you wipe away your own tears and smile. Interestingly, you even laugh with them.
You see a grand mother walking her grand daughter and that warms your heart. Every thing makes you smile. You had died, but you just came back to life.
Something had happened in your darkness…. you are no longer broken. The melt down is over. For a moment, nothing has changed. You have maybe only stopped focusing on what was breaking your heart.
Try talking. This could help. Find someone safe and share why you think your heart is broken with them.
So, what happens when you cry?
Nothing. Hope you feel better though after a good cry!
Life is worth living. Cry if you must, but keep living. The darkness always bring the morning. Your morning is almost here. I write this to say, if that is you I have loosely described, finding the green pastures where He restores must be an intentional decision.
This post was written by Tee Adeyemo and it first appeared on LCCMedia. For all her previous episodes, click here.
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